Monday, 13 December 2010

The Moment of truth... Starting weight!!!

Okay so as promised the big beginning weigh in... grrr remind me why I am doing this...

On the 13th December 2010 I weighed in at 73kg.... which for the old school peeps is about 11 n half stone!!!! Yeah so I'm thinking now might be the time to do something about it...

I have put on 10kg while having my two lovely girls and while I wouldn't trade them for the flattest tummy in the world I would like to work on this area of my life. I have also gotten rather lazy in the exercise department and I could make all the excuses in the worlds about having young kids and not having time, but the real truth is that I'm a bit lazy! However this is something I would like to change and so starting now (which is odd for me because I normally like to plan things for ages!!!) I want to work on my self control and not being lazy!

There is a small bit of good news and which is that even though the depression, the counts bars of chocolate and other comfort food which I have sort refuge in, and despite being a really lazy bum... I have not actually put on any weight all year! Last Jan I weighed 73kg, same as now...

Therefore I have come to believe that is I start to make small, sustainable changes, to my eating habits, my munchie habits, my lack of exercise habits and change where I seek comfort in tough times.. Then amazing and long lasting changes will be made possible!

Ideally I want to be back to my pre baby weight and shape, which means losing 10kgs, creating good habits and exercising regularly to rebuild strength and tone... Possibly even working hard enough to be back to my best weight ever (in my adult life lol) at 9 n half stone.. but that is a big challenge!

However baby steps are how this is going to work and so even though it is the Christmas period... I want to have lost 2kgs in the next 3 weeks.

So here is my promise to myself.

I will have lost 2kgs by the 3rd of Jan 2011, and I will do this by starting to exercise 3 times a week, by having smaller portions at meal times and less chocolate (can't cut it out completely, it is Christmas after all!)

Lets see how it goes... Watch this space....

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Picking up the pieces after the dust has settled...

The dust is starting to settle after a crazy roller coaster ride over the last few months maybe even the last two years. Life has been a complete whirlwind and I have been very guilty of sticking my head in the sand and hoping problems will just go away! The funny thing is that when you stick your head in the sand and hide from problems they generally come back to bite you in the butt...

I have had a busy weekend with my brother staying, we have painted the front room, done most of the christmas shopping, helped out at a drop in centre, done some community work, spent time with my family and been to church! But now that it is pretty much over and the boys are heading out tomorrow for a 30 mile walk! I think now would be a good time to started to pick up the pieces and take stock of my life.

The first thing I want to do to help me take stock of my life and where I am is to compleat a Life Balance Check list. This will just help me to take an outside look at 5 of the 6 main areas of life Mind, Body, Family, Society and Finances... (it doesn't include spirituality for  some reason) and see where I am. The last time I did this the results where very depressing, but it did give me a kick up the bum... So I hope things have changed!

The results will be here in just a few minuets so we shall see...


The balance check list comprises of a series 10 true or false questions for each of the 5 areas of life. Once you have answered the questions you give yourself a score out of ten for each area. Once this is complete you then check two things: (1) how are you doing in each areas separately and (2) how does each area compare to another... in other words is your life in balance?

The results are in... lets take a little look.

I will start with the lowest score and work up...

Finances 1 out of 10 (oh dear.. some work needed in this area, me thinks...)

Family     3 out of 10 (Yicks... looks like the depression and the "just surviving" has taken rather a large toll on my family life!)

Body       4 out of 10 (ever so slightly better, but also looks like the depression and comfort eating has taken it's toll on my health and body too)

Mind      7 out of 10!!! (Up by 4 points since the last time I did this test! Huge improvements and a real encouragment that Life is on the mend and things can get better!!)

Society  10 out of 10! (Again up but only by 1 point.. but 10 out of 10... not bad. I'm not sure how good this test is because I not the most useful person to society by a long stretch, but maybe I'm not as useless as I once thought!)

So this is what my life looks like right now. Some areas need a lot of work, and it is very out of balance, but maybe not as bad as I thought and it looks like if we take baby steps we might be able to see some improvements!

Now it is time to start picking a few little areas that I want to work on right now to start feeling more Alive. I think I will call it a night and spend some time having a good look over my results and see where to start and then let you know how I am getting on.

One thing I know I want to work on right away is my weight and so in an attempt to be brave and to keep myself accountable tomorrow I will have "The Big Weigh In" and set myself an achievable goal...

Scary and yet exciting stuff!

Dare 2 Dream Everyone!

Night xxx

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Getting to know each other again...

Wow what a roller coaster few week this has been!

  • Getting ready for the BIG interview! So stressed and umm probably could have handled that stress in a better way, but you live and learn; right?
  • Worrying about the future... and then realising that worrying about it wont help things at all, in fact will probably make things harder and make me more unhappy!
  • Choosing to trust God.. Tough but actually really freeing!
  • Not passing the interview... bit of a blow!
  • Finding a peace that we are actually  in God's will!
  • Having a little/minor panic about the future... :-(
  • Richard being compleatly free from Depression!!! So exciting and a little scary, as I keep getting scare it will all come back again!
  • Feeling a little pushed away by Richard because he wants to "Find himself" but trying to understand...
  • Having a very different, but rather charming man living in my house (still Rich in case you were worried)

So much has happen and it's taken some time to  let the dust settle and figure out what we have left.We also have to start thinking about what the next steps should be in order to move forward and be where we should be. We decided it would be a good idea to have a life meeting! This is a time where Richard and I get together after the girls are asleep, with a glass of wine and talk about Life... The things we are finding hard, anything we need the other persons opinion on, a chance to get those annoying things of your chest that you know could become a little ugly if you leave them un-said for a few weeks. Also a time to look at what is going on in our lives and where we are going, making sure we are both of the same track.

It was a really good thing to do at this time, something we haven't done together for a long time. I had a chance to talk to Rich about that fact that I have been feeling pushed away since he got back, and that while I am very excited that he's depression has GONE, I am also very scared about it coming back. We also talked about the fact that he has changed a LOT and that even tough it is all for the better, he is also very different and it is going to take me some time to get to know him again! Richard also feels the same way, that he has changed and it is going to take him some time to get to know himself too and that is why he wants the space to be alone with his thoughts.

Since we had the Life Talk we have been getting on a lot better. I no longer feel so pushed away and I think we both realise is it going to take us sometime to get used to the changes. However we are both very excited about the future and so that is GOOD!

The next step for me is to take Stock of my life, where I am and how things are looking in different areas of my life, see what is good, and what can be worked on and then get to it. I strongly believe my Future is my fault and so I need to get to it! With God's help...

To take stock I will be using a Life Balance check list. I know that the last time I look at this I scored very badly and it was rather depressing, but I am a stronger person and I hope I can look at the results and grow from than rather than crumble!

Hopefully I will get the results up here tomorrow or Friday and then I can begin to make changes!

Dare 2 Dream


P.S. The Caffeine thing is going well! I am no longer addicted and although I am not T- total.. I am only drinking one or two coffee's a week rather than 4 or 5 a day!

P.P.S. I am hoping to take Rich out on a date next week... Which I am very excited about!

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Back home again and having to choose to let go...


WAS AMAZING! We were still snowed in at Dad and Mum's and so we just spent the whole day making super home made food, cutting wood (I can use an axe!) Target shooting, Tobogganing and making snow angels! I can't believe how cold it was, but a few good swings of the axe and you soon warm up. It was too cold to even make snow balls, we tried and tried, but they wouldn't stick together... To bad really as my sister Debbie and I were at the top of a big hill and the boys were at the bottom, we were trying to make a big snow ball to roll down the hill at them with the hope it would get bigger and bigger and get them all covered in snow!! but it was a big fail! So we made snow angels, and snow face prints (bad ideas is it was sooooo cold it burnt our faces, but fun all the same!)

Then in the evening we sat by the log burner and played cards and then watched the start of the new NCIS series (which Richard and I haven't seen yet) and ate lots of chocolate and pop corn! Super super day!


Started really great with the heating in our room WORKING!!! Oh yeah and little Katie climbing in for a cuddle and to play peek a boo. Then after breakfast my sisters and I help Mum tidy the house while Rich and Dad went out shopping! (I think I should add here that the snow melted in the night due to LOTS of rain, but we had lots of fun so we were lucky really)

Debbie, Kirsty, Amy and I all decided to have our own X-factor moment and sang a lot of Whitney Houseton, and other musical numbers! Which was fab. They all have lovely voices and I hope they will get a chance to use them some day.

WE packed up and then it kind of dawned on me that we were going home and I guess allowed myself to start making stuff up about how it could be really bad when we got home, how the kids weren't going to behave and how Richard could so easily start freaking out about not passing his navy interviews. Then I chose to start worrying about the future and got myself all upset. Silly me! I know it was daft, that it was a choice, I chose to let myself get upset and that I was making stuff up! I had no idea really what it would be like when we got home and I don't know what the future holds.

I know I need to pull myself together and start trusting God and start trusting Rich again. Worrying is not going to help and in fact it will make my sad,  it will make things much harder for Richard and is really being very pride full and choosing not to trust God. I basically saying that I don't trust him with my life, to have a good plan for me and so I don't want to give him control and relax. How very rude of me.... I know this all to be true, but you know what it is flipping hard to let go sometimes. Maybe if I keep making a conscious effort to et go and to relax, stop worrying and give things to God then over time it will be come more natural. What do you think? I hope so because right now it is pretty tricky...

Well the washing up needs doing again, the washing is on and Rich will be back soon. So I better go and get on with it! I hope you have a super evening. Love to all your family xx

Thursday, 2 December 2010

two for the price of one... (mixed feelings, and lots of snow!!!)

I'll have to do a run down of the last two days today as its been a bit hectic and Ive not managed to get on here!

Wednesday (the day after Richard's results)
This was an interesting day. We choose to have a family day because Rich had been away and it would give us a chance to absorb his results! Richard took Charlotte out to the park in the morning which gave me a chance to have a bath all by myself! It was amazing! Thank you Richard!

And then in the afternoon we took the girls out to look at the Christmas lights in our local big shop (which sells everything) Value House! We had a lovely time and even managed to get a few Christmas presents! I have to admit that Christmas has not been at the front of our minds yet! (I wonder why!) So in was a pretty good day, it was also a bit of an odd day trying to process Richards results and how that will effect our lives!

Like I said before Rich came back a differnet person and it seems to have been able to use this apparent failure to be the kick up the bum he needs to really get back up again, rahter then a kick in the face which will get him down. He is doing amazingly well and I would love to thank everyone who has been praying for him, God is really hearing your prayers!

He has come back full of ideas for the future, things he wants to do right now and plans for the future. He does however also want to "Find himself" and wants to spend some time alone (with God I hope) and find out what he really wants from life and make his own plans. It sounds really good in theory, but I am really having to fight feelings of rejection about this. I really want to be involved and I always thought that being married was about making choices together, but I do want Richard to be happy above everything else and if this is what he needs then I will have to learn how to be content and how to support him the very best I can, without being a grump and feeling left out! I think I'm gonna really need Gods help on this one, but I know he/we can do it together!


Thursday was a brilliant day! So much fun! We woke up to lots of snow, which is fab because it doesn't normally snow on Portland! We called Mum n Dad on the farm and found that they were a little snowed in! We were going over there anyways because they were planning on going up north to visit my brother, so we were all packed and ready to go. My brothers graduation was cancelled because of the snow and my family were snowed in and running out of normally food, so we decided to drive over anyway and try and get as far as we could and then walk the rest of the way!

Needless to say we did get stuck half way there and my brother and sister walked up to help us carry our stuff the last half mile! So now we are snowed in too.. but by choice...

We headed back out almost as soon as we arrived, to try and turn our car back around and get into town to buy food, saw blades and a broom for sweeping the 3/4 mile ish drive way! WE got all the goodies and parked at a farm down at the bottom, near the main road and then loaded up our back packs and my brother Joel, Rich and I started the mile or so walk back to Mum n Dad's farm! Dad and Kirsty, one of my other sisters, meet us half way back and helped carry the large amounts of bread we were carrying in our hands and we all headed back! It was dark by now and starting to get icy, but the middle of the road was pretty much just fresh fluffy snow so we were pretty safe when we stayed in the middle. WE got home and Mum had made Hot Jacket Potatoes and Chilli (which was amazing!)

I know it kinda sounds like a nightmare but it was one of the most fantastic days ever! It feels very Little house in the prairie! Having go walk out in the snow to get food, cutting fire wood and eating great food together as a family. I love being snowed in with my family! But I do also like knowing my car is safe and when we get bored we can go home! I hope it doesn't last too long because I know it will be tough on my family being stuck here, but I am glad we are stuck ish together!

I love you guys and am looking forward to another day with you all!!!

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Down and then back up...

So Richard failed the Navy Interview! There was a few little tears (from me) just a bit of a shock I think, but in actual fact we're doing good. We have worked towards this for almost a year now and in many ways everything has come crashing down, but we always said we wanted to stay in God's will and be where he wanted us to be doing the job he wanted us to do.

God has been faithful though everything that has happened and I truly believe that he has a plan for our lives and as we keep seeking him the path will be revealed!

I have to be honest I was very worried about Richard! I thought he would come home frustrated and angry and would be on a real downer. In stead he walked in with a huge smile on his face, with presents for myself and the girls and a plan to turn over a new leaf and sort some things out! I was completly blown away and so grateful. I had be praying that God would be close to him and guild him and that he would be able to put his trust in him and he has been faithful. Rich has come back so different.. The anger has gone and the worry has gone.

They have asked him to try again next year for the Navy again, so I think that is the plan so far, but getting a good job/ second choice career sorted too. Richard is planning to take some time to find who he is again and build himself up, after this depression. To work on his self esteem and start to believe the truth, that is a good guy, a great father and husband and that he is very loved. He has really taken some knocks and I think this could be really good for him. Hopefully we can get out lives back on track and next year we will be much stronger, more useful people.  I think there are some exciting times ahead. I choose to be hopeful and to get excited.

Watch this space...

Monday, 29 November 2010

It's a Wonderful Life..

Had the most wonderful day today! Charlotte woke up at some crazy hour, but she sneaked into my bed with her freezing cold toes and we talked about all kinds of things and had a little cuddle, then decided to get up and turn the heating on as it was only 11 degrees in my room!!!

We got loads of house work done this morning and Katie was feeling loads better. The girls were as good as gold and then after lunch we wrapped up really warm and went for a bus ride into town. Where we got some wool to make decorations for Christmas, and some cat food.. exciting times... but we did find some maryland cookies on by one get on free so that was great! We went to the park and have a freezing, and beautiful time. It really was the most beautiful day here on portland. Even the bus drivers were nice and the other passengers helped me with my pushchair so it was lovely!

Then we had my friend Tegan over for tea and she brought her Niece and Nephew over to play with Charlotte and my other friend Roz turned up so we had a jolly tea party! They even tidied up before they went home! Charlotte was very very tired and a little bit of a monkey to put to bed, but only because she got herself sooo excited playing with Katie that she couldn't settle. But once in bed she was a good girl and slept well.

Rich had  a good day, he sounded possitive, hopeful and very happy. Not worried at all. He didn't sleep well last night as the bed was lumpy... but he said he still though he did a good job. We shall just have to wait and see.

Then I had a wonderful evening talking, laughing (a lot) and praying with Roz (who has only just left t go home and it's LATE) but we had a super time! I feel really blessed to have such good friends!

I am really nervous about the weekend! At the weekend I have to baby sit all my brothers and sisters (apart from one) and although I know they will be great and we'll have a good time I still feel a bit nervous... But they are good kids and I wot be alone.. so I will just hang on for the ride and we WILL have fun.. You hear.... hee hee..

Anyways it is LATE... and I've finished my Chocolate Ration (I think I should have a serious think about how much chocolate I am eating these days...) so I'm off to bed. Good night who ever you are reading my blog. I hope you sleep well and/or have a super day tomorrow. Even joy the snow if you have some. It wont last long!


Sunday, 28 November 2010

He's Gone..

So Richard has gone off for his interview. He was really lucky and had  a good drive there. For anyone who is reading this a long while after it is written it is snowing al over the country at the moment and so he's really bless to have got there okay!

He has arrived and meet the rest of his 4 person team, they will be doing all the team tasks together, and it turns out that he already knows 2 of them and he gets on really well with them. If they all pass then he they will mostly likely all be training together and two of them are going for pilot and the other one for observer like Rich. So that is all very exciting! He sounds really happy and very carm on the phone. I am so please I was a little worried about him.

I AM NO LONGER SACRED ABOUT THE INTERVEIW! I have decided to leave it all in Gods hands, worrying about it wont help and I can't do anything from here anyways so I'm just Gonna leave it up to him. He knows best after all and we don't want to step out side of his plans for us, so no point in worrying! Okay so I might end up eating my words in e few days, but for now I am a tiny bit please with the fact that I cam let go. I never would have been able to do that a few weeks or even days ago!

Charlotte is missing her daddy and proudly announced to me (while sitting on the toilet) that she is going to be a helicopter Pilot and Daddy can sit next to her while she flys and mummy and Boo Boo (that is what she calles Katie) can sit in the back of her bright Pick Helicopter. I'm so excited my little baby has just had her when I grow up I'm gonna be... moment. She's not a baby any more!

Well the washing up needs doing and for anyone who knows me that is a very regular comment for me at this time of night, then a hot bath, with a good book and BED...

Oh yeah. Have a nice night ya'll, sleep well and we'll see how tomorrow goes.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

One More Sleep...

One more sleep till the Big interview! Well at least until Richard leaves for the big interview. I'm really excited and also a little scared.. I'm not really sure why I am scared because I know he will pass if it is the right thing for us, but it's kinda a weird feeling I guess.

I had a little panic this morning because I suddenly realised that Richard had a LOT of work left to do today and I had not planned anything for us girls to do! But it didn't last too long as my lovely friend Ellie Kindly said she would come with my to the Fun Factory with the girls in the afternoon and the morning was mostly taken up decorating the cakes from yesterday and cleaning a cupboard. Both Girls went to bed really well tonight and although the pub is playing karaoke very loudly just a few houses down they seem to be staying asleep.

Richard has learnt all he needs to learn... we hope and we've iron, ironed again, folded and packed everything, we've polished those shoes, thought about the answers he might have to give during the main interview and even tied the ties, just in case he has a mad moment and forgets what he is doing!!! All that remains is to brush teeth, spend some time talking and praying and GO TO SLEEP!!!

Love you Richard. You are already my Hero! Go get them!

Friday, 26 November 2010

One full day left, and Katie's real birthday!

Not a huge amount to report today. A lot less stress around today. I think Rich's pretty much finished the studying he has to do, just has a little bit left for tomorrow and then the packing and a good night sleep... hopefully!

Today was a bit different and I made myself get up before everyone else. It was something I tried out last week and last week was a pretty great week. I don't know quite what it is that is different in the day but it seems that if I get up out of bed and go down stairs, have a quiet de-caf coffee and a bit of quiet time, some how the day is never so bad. No sure if it's just getting a head start on the day, feeling a little more awake when the kids get up or the quiet time, but it makes a huge difference. Yes I am more tired, but some how the tiredness doesn't seem so bad and even though Katie has been crying a lot of the day (poor kid has huge back teeth coming) it has been a good day.

I feel for Katie I really do, it was her first birthday today! And she felt soooo poorly. I know she doesn't really know what is going on, but we didn't do much as we had already have her early birthday when rich's family where down, and although we made cakes with the plan of decorating them and having a little teddy bears picnic.... the car died and so we couldn't get out to buy the Icing sugar I had run out of so they were a bit boring and we thought it would get fixed sooner so we kept on waiting and then it was just to late.. so most of the cakes have made it into a tin and will be eaten tomorrow with lots of pink icing and sprinkles.

Well we have a busy busy day ahead tomorrow and it is getting a little late now so I will have to run, but the whole getting up early making the day better is an interesting idea which must be thought though and experimented with!

Dare 2 Dream


Thursday, 25 November 2010

2 days to go and the tension is mounting...

The stress is building and although it was a good day, the girls and I went to the park and then to bounce and play (a fun indoor play place for kids) There is a definate tension in the air and the time for the big interview draws near. Some days it is really easy to give it all to God and to not worry. To trust they we will be in the right place at the right time and that Life will work out. Other days my brain starts asking really annoying questions, like "What are you going to do if he doesn't get in?" "HOw will you ever get out of the mess you are in?" "How will Rich cope if he fails? How will you cope if he fails!!!!"

The truth is I just don't know, and worrying about it is not going to help things. It's going to make me grumpy, moody, sad and depressed. It wont help me sleep and it wont he Rich, in fact worrying is actually more like to to make him fail than to help him. So I need to let it go, and just support him.

It's a very tough job trying to be supporting, to know what to say at the right time and when to keep my mouth shut. To know how much to expect from him and to make allownses for the stress. To know it's the stress talking and not really him and to be a good wife. I know I can't do it in my own strength.

I didn't want to make this Blog all about God but the fact it that God is now a huge part of my life. I thought he was before but really he wasn't I could talk the talk but I certainly didn't walk the walk. I beieved in God but I didn't know him.

I don't think that God has made these bad things happen, but I know he has made it work for good. That though it I have become a stronger person and that by giving my worries to him I can then get on with the job at hand. So today I make a physical step of Casting my worries on him, because I know that he does care for me. I know that he knows the plans he has for us and that if I commit my ways to him and trust in him that he will act. That if I seek him first that he will take care of my every need and will walk with me every step of the way...

So I'm sorry if you are not hear to read about God, but it wouldn't be a true story of my life if I didn't talk about the people in my life and he is def in my life right now!

Trust in God with all your heart and lean not o your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS!

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Third day Lucky!

Today has been a lovely day. We slept really well after Katie went back to sleep, and Charlotte didn't wake up in the morning till 7 so that was FAB!!!

Charlotte went to pre-school this morning, it's only her third day there and she really loves it! She cried so much when she had to go home.. lol I hope it's just that she was having fun, and not that she hates me. lols (I do know she doesn't hate me really) It was really great to see that she loved it so much. The first day she was fine when I left her, but really upset by the time I came to pick her up. However after we had been at home for an hour she wanted to go back, second day she was a bit more worried when I left her, but really happy when I can to pick her up and wanted to show me all the things she had been playing with. and today she was happy when I left her, and okay during the morning and only upset when the staff told her to say good bye to her friends! I feel much better now I know she likes it! Rather than just hoping she does.

Had to take Katie to the Doctors because she came out in spots all over her tummy and back, I thought it might have been Chicken Pox as one of her little friends has it, but I am informed that it is just a viral rash and nothing to be worried about. She's a bit grumpy as she is teething as well, but still smiley and very cuddly so can't complain. She really is a wonderful girl. Only two more days till her first birthday so that is exciting! I am so glad that God has given me two wonderful little gifts to take care of and I can only hope that I will do a good enough job.

The rest of the day was pretty good, and we all had a little movie evening, which was really good fun. We started watching Toy Story 3, but didn't get too far before little people were very sleepy and need their beds.

Poor Rich has been feeling pretty unwell the last few days. I think it's probably just stress and have sent him up for a hot bubble bath and bed. I hope he feels better in the morning. He is doing so well with his studying and working hard at it. I know he is worried because he wants to do a good job of this interview so he can take care of us. I hope he knows we love him no matter what and that we will support him no matter what. If you read this Rich then you have to know how much I love you and that I think you are a wonderful man, sorry for being grumpy sometimes. Thank you for putting up with me... lol I hope you feel better tomorrow and can kick butt with those jobs you have.

Well my back hurts from cuddling my lovely kids, my fingers are sore from cutting my lovely husband's hair before his interview, my feet hurt from running around all taking care of my beautiful family and home, but they are good aches. Aches that remind me how lucky I am to have a family who love me and who like to spend time with me. Who cares if they make a bit of mess I wouldn't swap them for the world!

So it's off to bed for me. I hope you sleep well and have a good day tomorrow... Lets just take one day at a time, and see where we get to. xx

Good Bye Head ache - Welcome back PMT...

Oh yes the Head ache has gone.. Amazing no head pain all day! I'm so glad, it only took 4 days of serious pain and a slow cut down of the caffeine and now we're ALL good, Just in time for PMT.  Is there no justice in this world lol

As you can imagine life has been a bit grrrr today. Not really bad and not great just... well I guess Blaa really sums it all up. Katie has been teething and Charlotte has been shockingly naughty (no idea why, I'm thinking maybe a little bored, but who knows) and I've had a bad tummy and back, but there has been no tears.. So that is something, unlike yesterday when I was in floods over some silly cheese advert that Rich showed me.. It wasn't even a sad advert it just set me off and with the head pain and the PMT I guess it just all came out. Thankfully both the girls were in bed and didn't see it and I was able to go pretty much straight off to bed. But no tears today!


Short break there because Richard just came back with ICE CREAM! He said he had to pop out for a few mins and I thought he wanted to go and get some air and a bit of quiet because the girls had be extra loud at tea and bath time, but instead he went to the shop and brought me some Ice Cream and Chocolate to sooth my PMT! What a nice man! A very nice end to a fairly pants day, and even though Katie woke up and cried for a looooong time it just didn't seem as bad with a tummy full of ice cream and choc.

Thank you Richie!

Monday, 22 November 2010

Going Cold Turkey.... not good...

Day one of the two week no coffee challenge... not good..


I just don't get it.. lol I didnt even drink that much maybe 3 or 4 per day and I have cut it down over the last 3 days... but oh my gosh my head is so bad. I have drunk so much water, juice, mint tea, and even de-caf coffee (to try and trick my head into thinking I had caffeine) but oh no.. the pain is getting worse.... Even Ibuprofen is not helping.... so off to bed I go

Poor Rich has a bad head too and is trying to study, but it's better he has the bad head now and then gets past it, than to be told not to have coffee at his 4 day interview and have a banging head ache which trying to write an essay or something....

Well It's been an odd day, we've both been grumpy because of the bad heads, Katie our youngest is teething, and Charlotte has been such a monkey.. Ah well best to get the hard days over with all at once. Both my lovely girls are asleep, Rich is going for a bath, after trying on his new shirts and suit (he looks so nice, Mr Richie Railton you are a stunner) And I'm going straight to sleep...

Please God may my head not hurt tomorrow.

Good Night all xxx

Oh my goodness! What a crazy two weeks we have ahead....

So the next two weeks...

Next Sunday Richard will be going away for the last interview in nearly a year long application process for the Royal Navy!  It is going to be 2 of the most exciting and most terrifying weeks of our lives!

The interviews have slowly gotten harder and the application has taken such a long time that with each pass the next has become even more important. Richard is applying to be an Observer in the Helicopters, which is navigator,  weapons and something else which I can't remember... what a shocking wife...

I am really nervous if I am honest, it could be sooo great if he gets this job. He will have a secure job for the next 12 and slowly we can work ourselves out of this money mess we are in... however he would be going away for 8 months... when he first starts and we would be staying here so that would be TOUGH...

On the other hand if he doesn't pass, we would have put so much time into this and not got anything back, and we would have to have a very serious think about a good plan B.... and maybe a plan C....

I know worrying about it wont help at all, so I am really trying not to, but it is sooo hard..

Week 1

 Rich has LOADS of studying to do and I have lots of clothes to wash and iron to help him get ready.. Mostly I am just trying to keep myself and the girls out of the way so he can get on and getting very early nights to help him get early nights..

Also we have both GIVEN UP COFFEE for 2 week to try and help us both to have clear heads and to not be dependant on it sooo much....

Week 2

Rich will go away for the beginning of the week for 4 days to do his navy interviews.... and I will be here on my own. Tuedsaday we wilol hear if he has passed the first part of the interview and will go on to the medical or come home. If he does pass the first part he will have his medical on the Wednesday and then come home. I had better plan lot of things to do on those three days or I'll be sitting here at home going mad...

Poor Rich will get back just in time for us to pack up and go on Thursday, to baby sit for my family for a few days... all 9 of them. hee hee Actually it's no where near as hard as it sounds.. I have a 17 year old brother and two sisters who are 15 and 13 who are always a huge help and the other younger ones mostly entertain themselves.. so really I am expecting an easy weekend with my feet up.. (are you hearing that Debbie!!!)

So in the next 2 weeks our life will change so much  it will take a huge turn one way or the other and we will have to deal with the good and the bad from either result. I guess for now we will just have to wait and see which way God sends us...

Watch this space! xxx

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

A birthday, A New Year and a transformed mind...

My birthday, my New Year and my transformed mind... 

My Birthday was an amazing day! Richard made it so special and treated me like a princess and made my fav dinner after the girls were in bed! I was also so blessed by how many people wished me a happy birthday. I had over 80 birthday messages! It was crazy and amazing to see how many people love me so much!

The next day Richard's family came to stay for a week. It was an great time really. Richard wasn't very well, which was rubbish for him, but I had rich's parents with me so they helped me with the girls so that was okay, and poor Rich's dad had a little accident in the middle of the week, he had to go to hospital but is fine now! We also had Katie (early) 1st birthday party while they were down here as they wouldn't be here for the real day, so that was really great!

On the Saturday Richard and I went to Holy Spirit day which was really tiring but also great! I'll probably tell people more about that later.

Once I had started getting more sleep I could start trying to look my life from an out side point of view and I am now trying to see what I can work on, what will change with time, and some things I may have to accept.

A birthday means a start to a new year, New years day in my own life. I think maybe it would be a good idea to think about some sensible and mangable New Years Resolutions or Promises that I can work on over the coming year. I am 24, It is a fresh year,  with less mistakes in it (so far,) I wonder what the future will hold?

I know things are very unlikely to change over night and everyone goes through tough times, but I hope this time around I can build on a stronger foundation and be a stable and stronger person, so that when those tough times hit I would come tumbling down again.

So I guess it is now time, to take some time, to look at my life and climb slowly but surely out of this hole...

Becky xx

quick run down of the last 2 weeks or so.. well at least a start...

So here will be my quick run down of the last two week or however long it has been... The important bits.

I think it is important to mention that I am a Christian and I think a lot of this journey is going to be a spiritual one and probably a fair bit of it will be a battle of the mind. Finding the truth in life, making choices to act on truth rather than feelings and then planning my life and living it in line with the truths I discover.... but we shall see

Day 1

Okay so I had a bit of a low day first. I had found an interesting verse in the bible that day before, which seemed to make sense and really spoke to me, but I had no idea how to put it into practise. You'll remember the verses from a previous post. It was from Psalms and it said "Why are you cast down O' my soul and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." It sounded all very good but putting it into practise was a much tougher idea. I understood about the soul being in turmoil, check, got that one in there, but then choosing to praise God and look for the good in life despite all that... ummm much tougher... 

What do you think? Does it help to look for the good in life and to be grateful even when you feel really low?

Day 2

Still felt a little low, but realise how lucky I was to have such amazing friends! Some of my friends really went out of their way to make me feel loved and special that day. It was really touching and very healing. I was starting to realise the importance of acting in faith. Believing the truth even if you don't understand it or feel like it. People do love me and care about me and I am so lucky in so many areas of my life.

Day 3

My birthday meal day. I some how have a little bit of a problem with my birthday and especially with people making a fuss, but my friend chose to anyway and planned me a lovely birthday meal with four close friends. To start with I was kinda scared, which sounds daft and feel really sick about the whole idea, but it was a beautiful meal and a really special time. One of my friends has gone to such a huge effort to make me a special meal and 2 others had fasted all day so that they could pray with me against me having any more night mares. I was amazing to feel that loved and that people would make all the effort for me. Thank you so much guys. You made me feel so special. I'm sorry I was still pretty tired and not very chatty, but I did have an amazing time!

Day 4 

This was a tough start with a good ending. I had a panic attack in the afternoon over the most stupid thing, it was just that I had got to after lunch, it was raining and I suddenly realised I hadn't planned anything for the kids to do in the afternoon! It was the most stupid thing, but it seemed huge at the time. Plus Richard didn't feel well and so I chose to give into to worry and allow it to consume my afternoon! Rather fooling idea really come to think about it, but they say hind sight is a perfect science.

Spent some time talking with Rich in the evening, rather than watching TV so that was really nice and then we made some plans for the next few weeks to sort things out. Also a good friend popped in for a little while which was great!

Day 5 

Had a early start but a really lovely morning with my girls. and then had to pop out clothes shopping with Richard, and my friend baby sat the girls. Now I know most ladies love to shop, I must be one of the few who really hate it, and who feel really sick most times they walk into a shop... Richard has some important bits he had to get and we were in there for a (while) I could feel the panic starting to build up in me and I knew it was nuts and was going to ruin our nice day out. So I started to pray, and yes I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I prayed for God to be with me and to help me to enjoy shopping and not have have another panic attack. You know what? He did...ish.. I didn't have a panic in the shop and although I still didn't love it we didn't have a fight and with God's help I kinda managed the rest of the trip without to much trouble. And when we got home we found an amazing Gift! Someone has sent us £1,000 to get a new car (ours broke recently and we are borrowing one from a friend right now) It was totally amazing. I wonder if it was God way of saying I'm watching out for you.

That evening Richard was out and I had made plans to pray for my kids. (Charlotte has been a little worried, and has been really mean to Katie and Katie was teething and in a lot of pain, so was grumpy...) but would the kids go to bed on time and let me alone to pray? I think not... lol I could feel myself getting mad in side and even said to myself "I wanted to pray for the kids and they just wont go to bed!" and then it dawned on me that there was no point in praying for my kids and asking God to change them if I was just gonna get angry! 

Charlotte couldn't sleep, so I decided to put the prayer on hold and have a special time with her! We took her quilt down stairs, got some chocolate and watched a movie together on the sofa. We watched little house in the prairie, it was so beautiful. I wanted my family to be like that and I realise it would take hard work, but that I had to change myself and as God to help me change myself first. 

You don't see Ma Inglis yelling at the kids, having a strop because things don't go her way and complaining that she has a hard life or that she has to work hard. She just gets on with it, choosing to be happy, praising God no matter what happens, seeing the best in life, working so hard, just to see a smile on her husbands face and to hear her kids laugh. She works hard because she loves them so much. I wanted to be like her and to put my family first before myself. I know it's just a movie, but the book are true stories. They had an amazingly hard life, and yet they were so happy, so committed to each other and though that they were able to help others around them.

I was inspired. with God help I had managed to turn what could have been a horrid evening around to being a great one and by listening to what was going on around me I learnt that true happiness is not when we get everything we want and when people notice us, but when we take responsibly for our own actions, take care of those around, trust God and look for the great things in life and, even when life is hard, choosing to praise him.

I don't know if you believe in God or not but I think you will agree that a selfish person is not a happy person and that someone who finds a higher calling and helps those around them has a much better shot at happiness.. What do you think? Let me know...

The next post will cover what happened next, the actions I took from my discovery and how it has affected my life.

Dare 2 Dream!

Becky xx

Yes I'm still here and still alive ;-)

Hey there,

Yes I am still here and still alive lol. I know it has been ages since I posted last, but I am still here. I have had Richard's family staying with us, which has been super... all apart from the day when his dad had a little accident and ended up in hospital for a day. Bless him. They ended up staying here with us for two more days, but I am please to say that he is doing just fine and they were two really great days!

Lots has happened since I last wrote and I will try to fill in with the most important parts over the next few days and leave the boring bits out.

Firstly I would like to share that the sleep challenge has been harder than I thought.... with people staying and the kids not getting to bed till late it has been trickyer than first thought, although I have been getting a lot more sleep over all and am more aware that staying up late is bad... and yes there has been a marked improvement in my moods and grumps...

Rich is doing great. He has just under two weeks before his last interview for the navy.. scary stuff and very stressful, but we seem to be managing to stay friends though it so far... There were a few days when I thought I would be helping him to keep checking up and nagging him with his studies, but I soon realised that I was not helping matters at all and was just reflecting my own nerves and worries onto him... So I have made up my mind to give the poor guys some space to study in peace and to just get on with the things I am responsible for...

I would like to say a public sorry to My lovely husband for being such a pain the in bum and I hope I can still support you with out being a nagging wife. I love you very much and I know you are going to do AMAZINGLY WELL.. you are my hero....

So wow loads has happened but I'm going to sign off now, while I run up stairs and grab my diary so I can find the most importnat parts to share with you all.

Love you xx

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Review of the sleep challenge and a thought about choices...

Review of the sleep challenge... 
First of all I wanted to say that the getting more sleep thing is starting to pay off, and although I think its going to take time it is already making a difference to how well I manage the little things which go wrong.

Also I have no had any nightmares for 5 nights in a row now! Which is fab!!! Richard has been praying for me, I have been trying to hand any worries I might have left over from the day back to God before I sleep, I am trying to be very careful about the kind of movies I watch and Richard and his friend fasted and prayed for me on Monday about the nightmares and the feeling low... So that is all great and as I said I'm seeing the results.

After my last post, I went to bed. still feeling a little confused, frustrated and low about life (as was seen in my earlier edition of the last post) But something incredible happened that night. Richard had gone out to help with a church group and, at the advice of a friend, he had put some Christian worship music on in the car, nice and loud and had a good old chat with God, all the way to the group and all the way back... and you know what, when he got home he seemed like a changed man...

His whole face and countenance had changed. His eyes were so happy and sparkly, and he was full of smiles, somehow, something had happened to him during his time with God on the road and he had come home full of hope! Hope for the future, hope for healing of the past, and hope for our family. Somehow he had found great strength in letting God into the situation and choosing to praise God even when he didn't feel like it.

It was certainly a very interesting idea and I was so amazed to see him so happy!

The next day - Richard took Charlotte out with him for an hour or so and left me with strict instructions to spend some time with God for myself. I wasn't so sure as I had huge amounts of house work to do, but I had seen the difference it had made to Richard the night before and how he was still happy in the morning so I gave it ago. It certainly made me feel a lot better, but I even though it doesn't seem like it, I do know that we cant actually base our whole lives on how we feel. I remembered my aunt telling me that Psalms in the bible was kind of like King David's Blog, where he wrote about his ups and downs and how he seemed to be one of the most normal people you read about in the bible. So i decided to take a look at Psalms for myself. One verse stood out to me above all the rest, mainly because it was repeated 3 times in the 2 psalms I read, but it seemed really relevant to my life right then. The verse said:

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my Salvation and my God. "

I was amazed! Here was David feeling down and depressed, and yet he told his soul, that he would still praise God. He made a choice to praise him even when he didn't feel like it.

This really spoke to me and reminded me that the way we react to things in our lives is a choice that we have to make, and we are responsible for the actions we take, based on these choices. Our feeling change all the time and it is best to base our actions on facts that we know to be true,and not on how we feel at the time.

Still a theory at this point.. what do you think?

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Challenge 2: No more moaning... (well I can try)

Challenge 2 is to be more positive about life. Life is not easy and if we think it is then we're kidding ourselves. But these hard time can help us to enjoy the good bits even more!

I think we can choose which parts of life we want to focus on, think about and talk about. We can either focus and think about the bad stuff or choose to learn from it and move on to the good.

I once heard that you can never fail, we only learn and grow and that is the idea I want to take with me though out this blog. I am however only human and so I'm sure to make a few mistakes here and there and have a wee little moan.

I will do my bestest try to keep to the useful things I discover and talk about these and not making this into a blog just to bitch about life.

Crazy amount of stuff have happen this week, really important things, huge changes which I need to talk about. However,  it is oh so late already and am trying to get more sleep, so I will say Good Night for now and I will get my butt back on here tomorrow (if I can) and share some of this weekend and what has happened.

Good Night Ya'll

Becky xx

Thursday, 28 October 2010

If a tired child is a grumpy child, then...

Flipping Heck! What a day...

I knew this wouldn't be easy but flip... So this post will probably end up being very different than how it started out as I have some how deleted the whole of the post I already wrote out, but Ill give it a go..

Okay this is my third go at writing this as the second wasn't really appropriate...

I was hoping to try and only write helpful positive things in here but the honest true is that things arent great everyday. I guess helps to know they aren't bad every day too.

So today was very hard day and the result of the day was that I went out for a little drive in search for a hug, but no one was home....

However a Hug did arrive in the form of a very dear Police Officer friend of Richard and mine (who just dropped in for a cup of tea, not because we were in and so that was a huge blessing and with this friend being around we managed to talk though some of my grumpinesses and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

The honest true is that I am just so tired, too tired to cope with even the stupid little things like the kids having a bit of a whine or if I brake a plate. I have had disturbed sleep for over a month now for a number of reasons , nightmares, kids waking up and a horrid cough, so all in all am pretty pooped....

but being the daft cow that I am instead of getting to bed early so I can mange tomorrow better I have taken to watching TV till late and hiding from my problems because I am so scared that tomorrow will be a pants day again (which of course it is because I am tired!)

If tired child is a grumpy, moany, unhappy child, and so the same is probably true for grown ups... right?

So Step number 1 in trying to feel more human and feeling alive is to get more sleep! I am going to make myself a little promise and please feel free to check up on me on this one...

I promise myself that I will get 20 early nights over the next 30 days. Early night means in bed for 9:30pm with lights out at 10pm... NO sneeky reading, watching TV or talking till the wee hours of the morning Miss Rebekah Jane.. You will get more sleep and you will start to feel more human.. and shake that cold...

Good Night xxx ;-)

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

The Challenge....

The Challenge it to get from A to Z, to get from feeling like we are only just surviving to feeling Alive and to learn and grow along the way. My hope is that by writing things down I will work harder, ask for help more, and keep at it for longer than I would do if I was trying this alone. I am doing this to try to make my Life better for my kids and my husband, to help myself to be happier and hopefully to be able to be a better person, wife, mother and friend.

I also hope that by sharing this with the world some how it may help other people in there own quests and journeys though life.

Life is a Journey and although it is very important to have a goal or to know where you are headed it is also vitally important to enjoy the journey... I think... What do you think?

The Starting place...

What Does my life look like now, what does it means to "Just Survive?"

Here is where I am to be brave and bare my soul.... God help me...

  • Business Pretty much Dead-  booo...
  • Over £10,000 in debt... (Plus student loan...)
  • On Benefits and desperately looking for work...
  • Rich is half way though his application to the Navy
  • 2 Years of Depression
  • Unhappy and Stressed most of the time
  • Frustrated and trying so hard to care for my family, but feel like I fail every day.
  • Not Sleeping well and having nightmares...

Okay so that's pretty bleak and Depressing just to look at. I hope I'm not depressed you just by writing that down...

What does Feeling alive look like?

  • I want to Close the business down and for Richard to get himself a Job to take his mind off of things and so we can start to sort our finance's out.
  • To be on significantly less benefits and to being able to think and plan about getting off them all together!
  • To no longer feel depressed most days to have fun. To look forward to tomorrow because it's going to be a good day!
  • To know I am doing a good job with my kids and family and that I am a goo wife and friend.
  • To sleep well and feel well each day (or even just most days. most days would be a good start)
  • It would be amazing if Rich could get into the navy, but if not to have a good job and a clear career plan...
  • To be paying off more of our debt, and to have a clear financial plan of how and when we might be free of this big debt hanging over our heads...

Well this is my Challenge to myself.. I don't know how this will work out. I want to be positive and excited, but to be perfectly honest right now I am terrified.. But hear goes.. I've heard that it's good to make a decision and so I will.

I decide to do something about my life situation. I know that it is my own responsibly and I can either spend my time and energy complaining, passing the blame and feeling sorry for myself or I can do something about it.

I am determined to Pray, Praise, Pursue and Power my way though to feeling Alive!

Who are we and what is this Blog about?

Hi there everyone, anyone or even no one... (this Blog is as much for me as I write things down and try to learn as anything else)

Let me give you some back ground info and then introduce you to the challenge...

I'm Becky I am 23 (24 next week) I have been married to Rich for 4 years and we have two beautiful little girls (aged 2years and 10months) and two mischievous cats!  At the time of writing this we live by the sea in West Dorset, normally it is very pretty and the weather is great, but right now it is pouring with rain!!!

We had our own business which has kinda died and has left us in debt and feeling like failures... It has been a  really tough few years, we have both suffered with depression among other things and really feel like we only just surviving!!!

A week ago we decided that there must be more than this... Than feeling crap, being afraid to go to bed at night because you can't face tomorrow, to feeling sick and unwell every day and fighting with each other all the time. Surely life is meant for living! Is it possible to feel ALive rather than like we are about to sink any minuet?

Right now this is just a theory, a pretty scary and maybe exciting theory, but still a theory. The plan is to test this idea and see if life can be fun and if it is possible to go from just surviving to Felling Alive...

This is our challege and my Blog will be a kind of diary to write in and share our ups and downs.

This is my Life Biography, as it is still being written. I hope you enjoy it, that we can all learn new things, and that one day we can all feel ALive...

Dare 2 Dream!

Becky xxx