I think it is important to mention that I am a Christian and I think a lot of this journey is going to be a spiritual one and probably a fair bit of it will be a battle of the mind. Finding the truth in life, making choices to act on truth rather than feelings and then planning my life and living it in line with the truths I discover.... but we shall see
Day 1
Okay so I had a bit of a low day first. I had found an interesting verse in the bible that day before, which seemed to make sense and really spoke to me, but I had no idea how to put it into practise. You'll remember the verses from a previous post. It was from Psalms and it said "Why are you cast down O' my soul and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." It sounded all very good but putting it into practise was a much tougher idea. I understood about the soul being in turmoil, check, got that one in there, but then choosing to praise God and look for the good in life despite all that... ummm much tougher...
What do you think? Does it help to look for the good in life and to be grateful even when you feel really low?
Day 2
Still felt a little low, but realise how lucky I was to have such amazing friends! Some of my friends really went out of their way to make me feel loved and special that day. It was really touching and very healing. I was starting to realise the importance of acting in faith. Believing the truth even if you don't understand it or feel like it. People do love me and care about me and I am so lucky in so many areas of my life.
Day 3
My birthday meal day. I some how have a little bit of a problem with my birthday and especially with people making a fuss, but my friend chose to anyway and planned me a lovely birthday meal with four close friends. To start with I was kinda scared, which sounds daft and feel really sick about the whole idea, but it was a beautiful meal and a really special time. One of my friends has gone to such a huge effort to make me a special meal and 2 others had fasted all day so that they could pray with me against me having any more night mares. I was amazing to feel that loved and that people would make all the effort for me. Thank you so much guys. You made me feel so special. I'm sorry I was still pretty tired and not very chatty, but I did have an amazing time!
Day 4
This was a tough start with a good ending. I had a panic attack in the afternoon over the most stupid thing, it was just that I had got to after lunch, it was raining and I suddenly realised I hadn't planned anything for the kids to do in the afternoon! It was the most stupid thing, but it seemed huge at the time. Plus Richard didn't feel well and so I chose to give into to worry and allow it to consume my afternoon! Rather fooling idea really come to think about it, but they say hind sight is a perfect science.
Spent some time talking with Rich in the evening, rather than watching TV so that was really nice and then we made some plans for the next few weeks to sort things out. Also a good friend popped in for a little while which was great!
Day 5
Had a early start but a really lovely morning with my girls. and then had to pop out clothes shopping with Richard, and my friend baby sat the girls. Now I know most ladies love to shop, I must be one of the few who really hate it, and who feel really sick most times they walk into a shop... Richard has some important bits he had to get and we were in there for a (while) I could feel the panic starting to build up in me and I knew it was nuts and was going to ruin our nice day out. So I started to pray, and yes I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I prayed for God to be with me and to help me to enjoy shopping and not have have another panic attack. You know what? He did...ish.. I didn't have a panic in the shop and although I still didn't love it we didn't have a fight and with God's help I kinda managed the rest of the trip without to much trouble. And when we got home we found an amazing Gift! Someone has sent us £1,000 to get a new car (ours broke recently and we are borrowing one from a friend right now) It was totally amazing. I wonder if it was God way of saying I'm watching out for you.
That evening Richard was out and I had made plans to pray for my kids. (Charlotte has been a little worried, and has been really mean to Katie and Katie was teething and in a lot of pain, so was grumpy...) but would the kids go to bed on time and let me alone to pray? I think not... lol I could feel myself getting mad in side and even said to myself "I wanted to pray for the kids and they just wont go to bed!" and then it dawned on me that there was no point in praying for my kids and asking God to change them if I was just gonna get angry!
Charlotte couldn't sleep, so I decided to put the prayer on hold and have a special time with her! We took her quilt down stairs, got some chocolate and watched a movie together on the sofa. We watched little house in the prairie, it was so beautiful. I wanted my family to be like that and I realise it would take hard work, but that I had to change myself and as God to help me change myself first.
You don't see Ma Inglis yelling at the kids, having a strop because things don't go her way and complaining that she has a hard life or that she has to work hard. She just gets on with it, choosing to be happy, praising God no matter what happens, seeing the best in life, working so hard, just to see a smile on her husbands face and to hear her kids laugh. She works hard because she loves them so much. I wanted to be like her and to put my family first before myself. I know it's just a movie, but the book are true stories. They had an amazingly hard life, and yet they were so happy, so committed to each other and though that they were able to help others around them.
I was inspired. with God help I had managed to turn what could have been a horrid evening around to being a great one and by listening to what was going on around me I learnt that true happiness is not when we get everything we want and when people notice us, but when we take responsibly for our own actions, take care of those around, trust God and look for the great things in life and, even when life is hard, choosing to praise him.
I don't know if you believe in God or not but I think you will agree that a selfish person is not a happy person and that someone who finds a higher calling and helps those around them has a much better shot at happiness.. What do you think? Let me know...
The next post will cover what happened next, the actions I took from my discovery and how it has affected my life.
Dare 2 Dream!
Becky xx
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